Waiting. Waiting is difficult sometimes. The circumstances of the wait can make it easier or unbearable.
Right now, I am paralyzed in the wait for this move. It has set me to pondering why I am good at waiting on many days, yet sometimes it causes my whole life to stop.
I have been good at waiting for...
A cake to bake
I have been terrible at waiting for...
The kids to get up on Christmas morning
Others to make decisions
A call from an adoption agency
And this move
What makes them different. It is structure, timeline, a plan. I am better at making a life than waiting for a life.
I have always been a great rule breaker, but the key to breaking rules is having rules.
I have always been great at changing an itinerary, but there has to be an itinerary to change.
I am great at painting over mistakes, but a blank canvas provides little inspiration.
We waited six years to hold our first child. In that time, we spent most of our energy on waiting. We didn't travel much or spend Friday nights in bars or develop hobbies. We waited for a call from an agency. It felt as if we were stuck waiting. Luckily, we did not approach the wait for our second and third children in the same manner. We were busy with the first and we allowed some of the rest of our lives to begin too. We learned.
Now, I feel the sticky paralysis creeping in again. Can't move until we sell the house. Can't buy a house until we sell this house. Can't plan past the first the semester. Can't think about what to get rid of, what to pack, what we need because we don't know where we are going. Big house, small house, temporary rental?
I should be thrilled, really. I have no commitments except homeschool past May 3. None. Have I ever been so free and yet so tied down? I should be enjoying the lessened responsibility...upping my game in teaching my kids...watching for the happy signs of our last spring in the Bluegrass. It seems a date would do that for me, but I may not have that for awhile. Am I willing to waste this time?
Pondering a plan for waiting. Pondering a way to make a life out of this uncertainty. It is my life, after all, and I can choose it or wait/waste it.